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Parenting Tip
January 28, 2009
Stay Out Of the Boxing Ring
When children are unhappy they look for ways to draw their parents into a fight. Kids know just where your buttons are and how to push them to make you angry. “Dad wouldn’t do it that way,” or “You never let me have fun,” might be all that’s needed to create the volcano effect. When children get angry and are looking for a fight, it’s as if they step into the boxing ring and invite you to join them.
All too often parents, believing that they are stronger, smarter, and more powerful, are willing to put on the gloves and enter the ring to “teach this kid a lesson” or “put him in his place.” The key indicator that says you want to accept the invitation to fight is your harshness. The intensity increases as each party is determined to win the battle. Unfortunately, setting ourselves up as opponents does more damage to the relationship than we expect.
Instead of getting into the ring with your children, imagine going around the ring to the child’s corner and becoming a coach. You might say, “I’m not going to discuss this with you while you’re upset. First, you need to settle down and then we’ll talk about the problem.” Or, “The way you’re talking to me sounds like you’re trying to provoke me into an argument. I’m not going to fight with you.”
Coaching children out of the boxing ring means that we stop dealing with the issue at hand and instead discuss the way we’re relating. Moving our focus from the issue to the process has a dramatic effect on the relationship when things begin to get tense. The parent refuses to become a sparring partner and instead looks for ways to improve the relationship. This doesn’t mean that the child will instantly become responsive, but it does mean that the parent chooses a different posture, one that offers healing instead of antagonism, and closeness instead of distance.
This parenting tip is from the book Good and Angry, Exchanging Frustration for Character in You and Your Kids by Dr. Scott Turansky and Joanne Miller, RN, BSN.
• • • • •
Parenting Tip
January 28, 2009
Stay Out Of the Boxing Ring
When children are unhappy they look for ways to draw their parents into a fight. Kids know just where your buttons are and how to push them to make you angry. “Dad wouldn’t do it that way,” or “You never let me have fun,” might be all that’s needed to create the volcano effect. When children get angry and are looking for a fight, it’s as if they step into the boxing ring and invite you to join them.
All too often parents, believing that they are stronger, smarter, and more powerful, are willing to put on the gloves and enter the ring to “teach this kid a lesson” or “put him in his place.” The key indicator that says you want to accept the invitation to fight is your harshness. The intensity increases as each party is determined to win the battle. Unfortunately, setting ourselves up as opponents does more damage to the relationship than we expect.
Instead of getting into the ring with your children, imagine going around the ring to the child’s corner and becoming a coach. You might say, “I’m not going to discuss this with you while you’re upset. First, you need to settle down and then we’ll talk about the problem.” Or, “The way you’re talking to me sounds like you’re trying to provoke me into an argument. I’m not going to fight with you.”
Coaching children out of the boxing ring means that we stop dealing with the issue at hand and instead discuss the way we’re relating. Moving our focus from the issue to the process has a dramatic effect on the relationship when things begin to get tense. The parent refuses to become a sparring partner and instead looks for ways to improve the relationship. This doesn’t mean that the child will instantly become responsive, but it does mean that the parent chooses a different posture, one that offers healing instead of antagonism, and closeness instead of distance.
This parenting tip is from the book Good and Angry, Exchanging Frustration for Character in You and Your Kids by Dr. Scott Turansky and Joanne Miller, RN, BSN.
The new Shoreline Single Adult Ministries’ Thursday study will begin on Thursday, February 12th! Join us at 6:30 p.m. in the new Fellowship Center at Shoreline for food and fellowship! Pastors Dave & Howie will share the vision for the coming year and will preview the new study, “Liquid”.
The Shoreline Single Adult Ministries Steering Team has put together an exciting list of activities and opportunities to interact with other singles – in addition to the Thursday night Bible study. Activities will be announced during the study and will be listed on the web and at the Connections Center.
The Shoreline Single Adult Ministries is designed for single adults age 25 and up to join together to answer life’s most important questions: How can my life make a difference? Why am I here? What is my purpose? If you are working to simplify your life, reduce stress, focus your energy, give your life meaning and prepare for eternity – this is the place for you!
For more information on the study, contact Pastor Dave Hopkins at dhopkins@shorelinechurh.org or 655.0100 x303.
For more information on the activities, contact Kitty Melicia – steering team leader – at 831.601.7968.
The new Shoreline Single Adult Ministries’ Thursday study will begin on Thursday, February 12th! Join us at 6:30 p.m. in the new Fellowship Center at Shoreline for food and fellowship! Pastors Dave & Howie will share the vision for the coming year and will preview the new study, “Liquid”.
The Shoreline Single Adult Ministries Steering Team has put together an exciting list of activities and opportunities to interact with other singles – in addition to the Thursday night Bible study. Activities will be announced during the study and will be listed on the web and at the Connections Center.
The Shoreline Single Adult Ministries is designed for single adults age 25 and up to join together to answer life’s most important questions: How can my life make a difference? Why am I here? What is my purpose? If you are working to simplify your life, reduce stress, focus your energy, give your life meaning and prepare for eternity – this is the place for you!
For more information on the study, contact Pastor Dave Hopkins at dhopkins@shorelinechurh.org or 655.0100 x303.
For more information on the activities, contact Kitty Melicia – steering team leader – at 831.601.7968.
Philip Bardowell, Christian recording artist and former member of the Beach Boys, performed and shared his testimony at the Celebrate Recovery Gathering last Friday! Along with an awesome dinner, it was also a time of huge blessing and fellowship!
Experience freedom from hurts, hang-ups and habits through this Bible-based recovery program. Everyone is welcome – bring your friends and family!
Celebrate Recovery meets twice a week at Shoreline: Tuesday nights at 6:30 p.m. (Steps Study) and Friday nights at 6:00 p.m. (the Gathering).
For more information, contact Pastor Dave Hopkins at dhopkins@shorelinechurch.org or 831.655.0100 x303.
Philip Bardowell, Christian recording artist and former member of the Beach Boys, performed and shared his testimony at the Celebrate Recovery Gathering last Friday! Along with an awesome dinner, it was also a time of huge blessing and fellowship!
Experience freedom from hurts, hang-ups and habits through this Bible-based recovery program. Everyone is welcome – bring your friends and family!
Celebrate Recovery meets twice a week at Shoreline: Tuesday nights at 6:30 p.m. (Steps Study) and Friday nights at 6:00 p.m. (the Gathering).
For more information, contact Pastor Dave Hopkins at dhopkins@shorelinechurch.org or 831.655.0100 x303.
Shoreline Family Experience │ Wednesdays 6:30 p.m. through March 11
This eight week class and small group series focuses on family & community values, legacy and discipleship. The purpose of the Shoreline Family Experience is to inform, equip and challenge parents, grandparents, aunts, uncles and anyone who has kids in their lives to partner with God and the church to raise kids up to live a full rich life that God wants for them! Childcare (Nursery -Kindergarten) and Children’s Ministry (1st through 8th grades) programs are available. Please register today by emailing Robin Maguire (rmaguire@shorelinechurch.org).
Shoreline Family Experience │ Wednesdays 6:30 p.m. through March 11
This eight week class and small group series focuses on family & community values, legacy and discipleship. The purpose of the Shoreline Family Experience is to inform, equip and challenge parents, grandparents, aunts, uncles and anyone who has kids in their lives to partner with God and the church to raise kids up to live a full rich life that God wants for them! Childcare (Nursery -Kindergarten) and Children’s Ministry (1st through 8th grades) programs are available. Please register today by emailing Robin Maguire (rmaguire@shorelinechurch.org).
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Parenting Tip
January 20, 2009
Approximately Right is Worth a Compliment
It’s easy to focus on how far children need to go instead of how far they’ve come. One way to keep a positive focus in your discipline is to look for approximately right behavior and affirm it. Don’t wait until things are absolutely right.
If you ask your child to clean up the toys but find that he’s only put away two things and left six out, you might say, “Oh, I see you put the blocks away, that’s great! and I like the way you lined up your trucks, now let me see you put the balls in the box where they belong.”
You’re encouraging steps in the right direction. One little boy was learning to dress himself and Mom had a rule that he needed to be dressed before coming to the breakfast table. When he came downstairs with his shirt on backwards and his shoes missing, she still praised him. He was trying. Pointing out his shortcomings would have been discouraging. He had tried and was feeling good. Mom wanted to encourage his efforts.
If your child is having as hard time finishing a homework assignment, you could be encouraging and point out how much she’s done, rather then focusing on how much is left.
Paul affirmed approximately right behavior when he recognized that we’re all in process. He encouraged the Philippians with these words, “He who began a good work in you will carry it on to completion until the day of Christ Jesus.” Paul was saying, “Be encouraged in the process because God is still working in you.” We give a gift to our children as we affirm them in process, not just completion.
This parenting tip is from the CD series Eight Secrets to Highly Effective Parenting by Dr. Scott Turansky and Joanne Miller, RN, BSN.
If this tip was sent to you by a friend and you’d like to continue to receive tips yourself, you can sign up at www.biblicalparenting.org.
• • • • •
Parenting Tip
January 20, 2009
Approximately Right is Worth a Compliment
It’s easy to focus on how far children need to go instead of how far they’ve come. One way to keep a positive focus in your discipline is to look for approximately right behavior and affirm it. Don’t wait until things are absolutely right.
If you ask your child to clean up the toys but find that he’s only put away two things and left six out, you might say, “Oh, I see you put the blocks away, that’s great! and I like the way you lined up your trucks, now let me see you put the balls in the box where they belong.”
You’re encouraging steps in the right direction. One little boy was learning to dress himself and Mom had a rule that he needed to be dressed before coming to the breakfast table. When he came downstairs with his shirt on backwards and his shoes missing, she still praised him. He was trying. Pointing out his shortcomings would have been discouraging. He had tried and was feeling good. Mom wanted to encourage his efforts.
If your child is having as hard time finishing a homework assignment, you could be encouraging and point out how much she’s done, rather then focusing on how much is left.
Paul affirmed approximately right behavior when he recognized that we’re all in process. He encouraged the Philippians with these words, “He who began a good work in you will carry it on to completion until the day of Christ Jesus.” Paul was saying, “Be encouraged in the process because God is still working in you.” We give a gift to our children as we affirm them in process, not just completion.
This parenting tip is from the CD series Eight Secrets to Highly Effective Parenting by Dr. Scott Turansky and Joanne Miller, RN, BSN.
If this tip was sent to you by a friend and you’d like to continue to receive tips yourself, you can sign up at www.biblicalparenting.org.
