Are the Holidays as tough as people say?

It’s commonly said that folks in painful, isolated or lonely situations struggle mightily during the holidays. While it’s certainly true for many, it’s not universal. There are many that pull things together, engage in family rituals, see family members on a once a year visit; and get it together for a while, actually feeling positive. For the latter it’s after the holidays when things get really tough. Celebrations are over, dark and gloomy weather rules the day, credit card bills come due and there’s little to look forward to, especially if you’re not a football fan. If you or someone you know is in the first group, by all means take advantage of Church based holiday support programs. If you’re in the second group, enjoy the holidays but please don’t hesitate to admit when things hit that you’re struggling. Talk to your Pastor, a counselor, join a support or recovery group. No shame in it, only hope and help.

How to Build People

Simple math is easy to remember. For example try memorizing this mathematical ratio: 5 to 1. Seems easy enough doesn’t it? The Bible instructs us to build one another up and it’s both harder and easier than we think.

Research tells us that a negative, critical comment weighs roughly the same as five positive comments and depending on the severity of the negative the weight may be more like ten positive comments to balance things out.

It’s important to monitor your daily ratio. How are you doing? Often people discover they have lapsed into less than five to one or even fallen into more negatives than positive.

What outcome do you want from any interaction, especially when you’re seeking change in another? For the most positive outcome and the highest likelihood for change, keep your positives at five and above, to one negative. And, instead of using a criticism, turn it into a request for change.

These simple tools often bring welcome results quickly.

Listening is an art and a skill

Want to be a good listener? Try being more “interested” and less “interesting”. Some times we get so caught up in telling about ourselves that we can’t take in what’s going on in some else’s life. When you find yourself in a conversation try making it about them; ask questions built on the answer you just received to a question. Then ask another. Say simple things like “tell me more about that, or how are you handling that, or what does that feel like?” It’s easy when you get the hang of it and the speaker will sense your interest, which opens the door to being understood, which can lead to God using you to care for them and love them.

Male and Female realities in communication

Did you know?

Women’s conversational topics tend to be closer to the self and more emotional than men’s,

Mens’ conversations are an informal method of sharing solutions to everyday problems,

Men expect fast-paced conversations that stay on the surface, that enable them to give and receive practical tips, and that are usually pragmatic or fun,

Wome expect conversations to be a major source of emotional support as they attempt to understand themselves and others.

And,

Women are likely to be surprised and even angered by men’s “immediate solution” approach.

These are generalizations of course but if the shoe fits, wear it!

(Male and Female Realities,  Joe Tanenbaum)

Healed in Relationship

Healthy relationships are all about fidelity and safety. There is a level of investment- you have to understand what makes your partner feel safe. This requires communication, honesty, and openness. You have to participate in their lives in a meaningful way. When this happens, the husband won’t have to worry about his wife criticizing him for playing golf on Saturday. She won’t mind the golf and time with the boys when she feels safe. And when he feels safe, he won’t mind the shopping trip or the time she takes with her friends. Feeling safe promotes exploration, freedom, and intimacy.

It’s like that with God too. When we get in a vibrant relationship with Him, we are free to explore our world in a meaningful way. Freedom breeds intimacy. Intimacy breeds freedom.

And in the end, all that really matters in life is who you love and who loves you. That’s the Gospel, and that’s what makes everyone dance for joy.

(Tim Clinton, Ed.D, and Joshua D. Straub, M.A.)

Shoreline Counseling Ministries can help!

Shoreline Community Church is committed to practicing counseling that blends the best of Theology and Psychology. Bible based and Christ centered, we believe that God is present in every session and we endeavor to hear from Him as we go through the therapeutic process. God is the author of healing, while Psychology can provide excellent tools and skills for use in guiding the hurting towards healing, growth and wholeness.

Currently there are two professional Counselors on staff: Nancy Cahalan, MFT and Dennis McFadden, MFT. Nancy Cahalan triage and assigns requests for counseling to the appropriate staff member, depending on presenting problem and area of expertise. To request an appointment call 648-3684 and your call will be promptly returned.

Counseling Ministry

Shoreline Counseling Ministries is pleased to offer Professional Christian Counseling for couples, families, individuals & teens using an Evangelical model of therapy that integrates psychology & Christian Theology. Nancy Cahalan, MFT, uses a sliding fee scale to ensure help is affordable. We assist in marriage & relationships issues including reconciliation & divorce recovery, step family needs, personal counseling & women’s/men’s/teen issues. Contact Nancy Cahalan at 831-648-3684 or ncahalan@shorelinechurch.org to make an appointment.