Don’t Take the Bait
Be careful when your children bait you and try to draw you into a fight. If you’re easily sucked into an argument with your child, it may be an indication that you need to do some work on your own anger.
It’s amazing that children are smart enough to find those buttons that will set us off, but what’s more amazing is that parents take the bait. A child may say, “You never let me have a snack,” and the parent all of a sudden is ready to fight. Or the child says, “Dad wouldn’t do it this way,” of “I don’t want to go to school,” and Mom goes into a tirade. Children know what it is that gets us. If you find those opportunities irresistible then you need to step back and deal with your own anger.
Now, don’t get us wrong. Children who engage in manipulations like that need to be disciplined, but they don’t need anger. There’s a difference. Your anger points out a problem. That’s what anger is good for. It tells you something is wrong. But anger isn’t good for solving problems.
When you’re tempted to get drawn into an argument, step back and evaluate the situation. Maybe it’s time to change the buttons. Often, your children need limits placed on the way they’re relating. Be careful to respond to your kids with appropriate discipline instead of reacting in a way that joins into their foolish arguments.
Don’t Take the Bait
Be careful when your children bait you and try to draw you into a fight. If you’re easily sucked into an argument with your child, it may be an indication that you need to do some work on your own anger.
It’s amazing that children are smart enough to find those buttons that will set us off, but what’s more amazing is that parents take the bait. A child may say, “You never let me have a snack,” and the parent all of a sudden is ready to fight. Or the child says, “Dad wouldn’t do it this way,” of “I don’t want to go to school,” and Mom goes into a tirade. Children know what it is that gets us. If you find those opportunities irresistible then you need to step back and deal with your own anger.
Now, don’t get us wrong. Children who engage in manipulations like that need to be disciplined, but they don’t need anger. There’s a difference. Your anger points out a problem. That’s what anger is good for. It tells you something is wrong. But anger isn’t good for solving problems.
When you’re tempted to get drawn into an argument, step back and evaluate the situation. Maybe it’s time to change the buttons. Often, your children need limits placed on the way they’re relating. Be careful to respond to your kids with appropriate discipline instead of reacting in a way that joins into their foolish arguments.
Help Children Change Their Hearts
Too often parents focus only on behavior, getting the right actions down, but they don’t address the heart. Jesus criticized the Pharisees, saying that they looked good on the outside but their hearts were still not changed. He said, “First clean the inside of the cup and dish, and then the outside also will be clean.”
Focusing on behavior change is not enough. Many parents work hard to help their children look good on the outside. Inadvertently, these parents teach their children “image management” the ability to appear good, clean, and nice. A change of heart is what children really need though.
Unfortunately, you can’t force children to change their hearts. But we can do a lot to motivate them to make the necessary changes. We’ve identified several tools that, when used properly, address the heart. First, use sorrow instead of anger in the discipline process. Parents who misuse this technique often lay a guilt trip on their children. The key is to be genuine. If you, as a parent, look past your anger for a moment you will see that you truly are sad about what your child has done because you know the long-term consequences of such behavior. Reflect it in a gentle way. It’s amazing to see how children will respond.
Another way to influence a child’s heart is to use the scriptures. The Bible has an amazing quality, the ability to pierce through to the thoughts and intentions of the heart. Don’t use the Bible in a harsh way. Instead reveal what the Bible has to say about being kind or respectful or obedient. There’s a lot of wisdom and conviction that comes through the scriptures.
Be sure to talk about the heart during times of correction. “I can see you’re angry because I said no, I’d like you to take a break for a bit and settle your heart down and when you’re ready, come back and we’ll talk about it.” It will take work and a child may need some long times to settle down at first, but a change of heart is worth it in the end. Resolve the tension by having a Positive Conclusion together. Talk about what went wrong and why it was wrong. Address heart issues, not just behavior and help children see things from a deeper perspective.
You may think of some other ideas but whatever you do, don’t rely on simple behavior modification techniques. They don’t go deep enough and often don’t address the real issues.
Help Children Change Their Hearts
Too often parents focus only on behavior, getting the right actions down, but they don’t address the heart. Jesus criticized the Pharisees, saying that they looked good on the outside but their hearts were still not changed. He said, “First clean the inside of the cup and dish, and then the outside also will be clean.”
Focusing on behavior change is not enough. Many parents work hard to help their children look good on the outside. Inadvertently, these parents teach their children “image management” the ability to appear good, clean, and nice. A change of heart is what children really need though.
Unfortunately, you can’t force children to change their hearts. But we can do a lot to motivate them to make the necessary changes. We’ve identified several tools that, when used properly, address the heart. First, use sorrow instead of anger in the discipline process. Parents who misuse this technique often lay a guilt trip on their children. The key is to be genuine. If you, as a parent, look past your anger for a moment you will see that you truly are sad about what your child has done because you know the long-term consequences of such behavior. Reflect it in a gentle way. It’s amazing to see how children will respond.
Another way to influence a child’s heart is to use the scriptures. The Bible has an amazing quality, the ability to pierce through to the thoughts and intentions of the heart. Don’t use the Bible in a harsh way. Instead reveal what the Bible has to say about being kind or respectful or obedient. There’s a lot of wisdom and conviction that comes through the scriptures.
Be sure to talk about the heart during times of correction. “I can see you’re angry because I said no, I’d like you to take a break for a bit and settle your heart down and when you’re ready, come back and we’ll talk about it.” It will take work and a child may need some long times to settle down at first, but a change of heart is worth it in the end. Resolve the tension by having a Positive Conclusion together. Talk about what went wrong and why it was wrong. Address heart issues, not just behavior and help children see things from a deeper perspective.
You may think of some other ideas but whatever you do, don’t rely on simple behavior modification techniques. They don’t go deep enough and often don’t address the real issues.
July 9, 2009
Understanding Why We Get Angry
One of the helpful steps in equipping children to control their anger is to recognize four causes of anger. After kids have settled down and you debrief with them about their anger, talk about what’s causing it. You and your child may see patterns and then be able to head off the problem earlier next time.
1) Blocked Goals. This is the kind of thing that happens to you, as a parent, when you want to do a project in the playroom and find that Billy has left his Legos all over the floor and you keep stepping on them. Or, Billy may want to play with his train set only to find that his sister is using it first. These are blocked goals.
2) Violated Rights. That’s when you, as a parent, are in the bathroom and your daughter keeps knocking on the door. You believe you have the right to go to the bathroom in peace. Your daughter may get angry because her brother came into her room and took her favorite CD. Those are violated rights.
3) Unmet Expectations. You had expected that when you got home you would be able to rest but instead you find a big mess. Or Jackie thought she would be going to McDonalds but instead you chose to go to Pizza Hut. Those are unmet expectations.
4) Experiencing Unfairness. When someone takes a toy from a younger child, you may feel angry as a parent because you see unfairness. Or, Tom may feel angry with his teacher because she picked someone else for a privilege he thought he deserved. Those unfair situations can provoke anger.
Whatever the situation, after a child has settled down, talk about the cause. Discuss the value of sacrificing rights, readjusting goals or expectations, and handling unfairness in a godly way. By examining the causes of anger, you can help children gain greater perspective and develop longer lasting strategies for managing their emotions.
For more ideas about helping children deal with anger, consider the CD set, Eight Secrets to Highly Effective Parenting, by Dr. Scott Turansky and Joanne Miller, RN, BSN. A plan is also sold separately in an individual CD entitled, Helping Children Deal with Anger.
July 9, 2009
Understanding Why We Get Angry
One of the helpful steps in equipping children to control their anger is to recognize four causes of anger. After kids have settled down and you debrief with them about their anger, talk about what’s causing it. You and your child may see patterns and then be able to head off the problem earlier next time.
1) Blocked Goals. This is the kind of thing that happens to you, as a parent, when you want to do a project in the playroom and find that Billy has left his Legos all over the floor and you keep stepping on them. Or, Billy may want to play with his train set only to find that his sister is using it first. These are blocked goals.
2) Violated Rights. That’s when you, as a parent, are in the bathroom and your daughter keeps knocking on the door. You believe you have the right to go to the bathroom in peace. Your daughter may get angry because her brother came into her room and took her favorite CD. Those are violated rights.
3) Unmet Expectations. You had expected that when you got home you would be able to rest but instead you find a big mess. Or Jackie thought she would be going to McDonalds but instead you chose to go to Pizza Hut. Those are unmet expectations.
4) Experiencing Unfairness. When someone takes a toy from a younger child, you may feel angry as a parent because you see unfairness. Or, Tom may feel angry with his teacher because she picked someone else for a privilege he thought he deserved. Those unfair situations can provoke anger.
Whatever the situation, after a child has settled down, talk about the cause. Discuss the value of sacrificing rights, readjusting goals or expectations, and handling unfairness in a godly way. By examining the causes of anger, you can help children gain greater perspective and develop longer lasting strategies for managing their emotions.
For more ideas about helping children deal with anger, consider the CD set, Eight Secrets to Highly Effective Parenting, by Dr. Scott Turansky and Joanne Miller, RN, BSN. A plan is also sold separately in an individual CD entitled, Helping Children Deal with Anger.
• • • • •
Parenting Tip
June 17, 2009
The Good Side of Anger
We’ve worked with many families, helping them deal with anger, both in children and adults. One of the first truths that we try to communicate is that anger is good for identifying problems but not good for solving them. Unfortunately, too many people don’t understand anger’s benefit and, as a result, end up feeling guilty about being angry, further complicating the emotional picture.
It’s important to understand that anger is not good as a response to problems. It usually builds walls, increases tension, and contributes to distance in relationships. But we do believe that anger is good for identifying problems. Once you understand anger, you’ll be able to use it to your advantage to point out problems in life. Then you must move into another mode or plan to solve those problems.
Ephesians 4:26 says, “In your anger do not sin.” This verse is just one that tells us that there is an anger that isn’t sinful.
One dad told us that when he began thinking about anger this way that his anger became less intense, he was angry less often, and when he did get angry, he knew what to do about it. That is exactly what we’re saying.
There are plenty of books on the market about managing anger and you can do a lot to calm your emotions but the anger control books don’t solve the real problem – your kids keep doing the wrong things! If you begin to use anger to identify the problems and then develop healthy solutions to address them, you’ll be using anger in a positive way.
Many parents have given up hope, believing that they have lost the battle with anger. They’re plagued with guilt about their emotions. Before you can improve your anger management or your children’s, you must first think rightly about anger. Anger is good for identifying problems but not good for solving them.
This tip comes from the book, Good and Angry, Exchanging Frustration for Character In You and Your Kids by Dr. Scott Turansky and Joanne Miller, RN, BSN.
If this tip was sent to you by a friend and you’d like to continue to receive tips yourself, you can sign up at www.biblicalparenting.org.
• • • • •
Parenting Tip
June 17, 2009
The Good Side of Anger
We’ve worked with many families, helping them deal with anger, both in children and adults. One of the first truths that we try to communicate is that anger is good for identifying problems but not good for solving them. Unfortunately, too many people don’t understand anger’s benefit and, as a result, end up feeling guilty about being angry, further complicating the emotional picture.
It’s important to understand that anger is not good as a response to problems. It usually builds walls, increases tension, and contributes to distance in relationships. But we do believe that anger is good for identifying problems. Once you understand anger, you’ll be able to use it to your advantage to point out problems in life. Then you must move into another mode or plan to solve those problems.
Ephesians 4:26 says, “In your anger do not sin.” This verse is just one that tells us that there is an anger that isn’t sinful.
One dad told us that when he began thinking about anger this way that his anger became less intense, he was angry less often, and when he did get angry, he knew what to do about it. That is exactly what we’re saying.
There are plenty of books on the market about managing anger and you can do a lot to calm your emotions but the anger control books don’t solve the real problem – your kids keep doing the wrong things! If you begin to use anger to identify the problems and then develop healthy solutions to address them, you’ll be using anger in a positive way.
Many parents have given up hope, believing that they have lost the battle with anger. They’re plagued with guilt about their emotions. Before you can improve your anger management or your children’s, you must first think rightly about anger. Anger is good for identifying problems but not good for solving them.
This tip comes from the book, Good and Angry, Exchanging Frustration for Character In You and Your Kids by Dr. Scott Turansky and Joanne Miller, RN, BSN.
If this tip was sent to you by a friend and you’d like to continue to receive tips yourself, you can sign up at www.biblicalparenting.org.
• • • • •
Parenting Tip
June 12, 2009
You Don’t Want to Raise a People Pleaser
Many children grow up in homes where parents react with explosive anger. These children learn to make decisions based on avoiding the next angry outburst. Unfortunately they then may grow up to be people pleasers.
Anger appears to work in the short run. It gets kids moving or motivates them to stop and listen. But in the end, it damages a child’s decision-making ability.
Instead of becoming people pleasers, children need to learn how to make decisions based on values and convictions. How do children learn to do that? It comes when parents discipline with firmness and love. But many parents find that approach weak or unrealistic.
What parents need is a plan. Developing consequences that touch a child’s heart is a challenge but the extra time invested pays off. Parenting is hard work and a plan keeps a mom or dad on track. We find that many parents who don’t have a plan resort to anger as a primary consequence.
Anger is easier but we aren’t parenting just for convenience. At least we shouldn’t be. We’re parenting for the long term. When you take the extra time to develop a plan for real heart change, children grow up with the tools they need to be successful in life.
Take some extra time and look for proactive ways to develop character in your children. It will change your children and it will change you. No longer will you have to resort to anger to get things done. Now you have a plan that will mold and guide your children both now and for the future.
For more information about developing an Action Plan for your children read the book, Good and Angry, Exchanging Frustration for Character In You and Your Kids by Dr. Scott Turansky and Joanne Miller, RN, BSN.
• • • • •
Parenting Tip
June 12, 2009
You Don’t Want to Raise a People Pleaser
Many children grow up in homes where parents react with explosive anger. These children learn to make decisions based on avoiding the next angry outburst. Unfortunately they then may grow up to be people pleasers.
Anger appears to work in the short run. It gets kids moving or motivates them to stop and listen. But in the end, it damages a child’s decision-making ability.
Instead of becoming people pleasers, children need to learn how to make decisions based on values and convictions. How do children learn to do that? It comes when parents discipline with firmness and love. But many parents find that approach weak or unrealistic.
What parents need is a plan. Developing consequences that touch a child’s heart is a challenge but the extra time invested pays off. Parenting is hard work and a plan keeps a mom or dad on track. We find that many parents who don’t have a plan resort to anger as a primary consequence.
Anger is easier but we aren’t parenting just for convenience. At least we shouldn’t be. We’re parenting for the long term. When you take the extra time to develop a plan for real heart change, children grow up with the tools they need to be successful in life.
Take some extra time and look for proactive ways to develop character in your children. It will change your children and it will change you. No longer will you have to resort to anger to get things done. Now you have a plan that will mold and guide your children both now and for the future.
For more information about developing an Action Plan for your children read the book, Good and Angry, Exchanging Frustration for Character In You and Your Kids by Dr. Scott Turansky and Joanne Miller, RN, BSN.
