Don’t Take the Bait
Be careful when your children bait you and try to draw you into a fight. If you’re easily sucked into an argument with your child, it may be an indication that you need to do some work on your own anger.
It’s amazing that children are smart enough to find those buttons that will set us off, but what’s more amazing is that parents take the bait. A child may say, “You never let me have a snack,” and the parent all of a sudden is ready to fight. Or the child says, “Dad wouldn’t do it this way,” of “I don’t want to go to school,” and Mom goes into a tirade. Children know what it is that gets us. If you find those opportunities irresistible then you need to step back and deal with your own anger.
Now, don’t get us wrong. Children who engage in manipulations like that need to be disciplined, but they don’t need anger. There’s a difference. Your anger points out a problem. That’s what anger is good for. It tells you something is wrong. But anger isn’t good for solving problems.
When you’re tempted to get drawn into an argument, step back and evaluate the situation. Maybe it’s time to change the buttons. Often, your children need limits placed on the way they’re relating. Be careful to respond to your kids with appropriate discipline instead of reacting in a way that joins into their foolish arguments.
Don’t Take the Bait
Be careful when your children bait you and try to draw you into a fight. If you’re easily sucked into an argument with your child, it may be an indication that you need to do some work on your own anger.
It’s amazing that children are smart enough to find those buttons that will set us off, but what’s more amazing is that parents take the bait. A child may say, “You never let me have a snack,” and the parent all of a sudden is ready to fight. Or the child says, “Dad wouldn’t do it this way,” of “I don’t want to go to school,” and Mom goes into a tirade. Children know what it is that gets us. If you find those opportunities irresistible then you need to step back and deal with your own anger.
Now, don’t get us wrong. Children who engage in manipulations like that need to be disciplined, but they don’t need anger. There’s a difference. Your anger points out a problem. That’s what anger is good for. It tells you something is wrong. But anger isn’t good for solving problems.
When you’re tempted to get drawn into an argument, step back and evaluate the situation. Maybe it’s time to change the buttons. Often, your children need limits placed on the way they’re relating. Be careful to respond to your kids with appropriate discipline instead of reacting in a way that joins into their foolish arguments.
A Clear Warning
One of the tools of discipline is a clear warning. It can actually be a teaching tool because it helps children know how to anticipate consequences of their actions. Furthermore a clear warning clarifies for your children that what you have said wasn’t just a suggestion, but that you meant business.
When you give a warning, it is important to obtain eye contact, speak calmly but firmly, and clarify both the instruction and the consequence that will come if the child doesn’t respond. A clear warning says: “If you don’t finish your homework you won’t be able to watch TV after supper.” Or, “If you can’t play nicely with your friend, he will have to go home.”
A warning is different than a threat. Threats are emotional responses usually spoken out of anger or desperation with an exaggerated or ambiguous consequence, rarely leading to a consequence. ”If you don’t clean up these toys right now, I’m going to throw them all away!” Or, “If you don’t come with me now, I’m going to leave you here!” These are threats, not warnings.
Warnings aren’t always necessary. If a child hits another and you’ve already established a rule for such things, then it’s understood that this is wrong and you can move directly to the consequence. If you do use a warning, just give it once. Instead of a process like this: instruction, warning, follow through, some parents have a process that looks like this: instruction, warning, warning, warning, warning, explosion with anger.
Make a clear warning part of your discipline strategy and you will teach children important lessons about life and help them predict their own consequences for their decisions.
A Clear Warning
One of the tools of discipline is a clear warning. It can actually be a teaching tool because it helps children know how to anticipate consequences of their actions. Furthermore a clear warning clarifies for your children that what you have said wasn’t just a suggestion, but that you meant business.
When you give a warning, it is important to obtain eye contact, speak calmly but firmly, and clarify both the instruction and the consequence that will come if the child doesn’t respond. A clear warning says: “If you don’t finish your homework you won’t be able to watch TV after supper.” Or, “If you can’t play nicely with your friend, he will have to go home.”
A warning is different than a threat. Threats are emotional responses usually spoken out of anger or desperation with an exaggerated or ambiguous consequence, rarely leading to a consequence. ”If you don’t clean up these toys right now, I’m going to throw them all away!” Or, “If you don’t come with me now, I’m going to leave you here!” These are threats, not warnings.
Warnings aren’t always necessary. If a child hits another and you’ve already established a rule for such things, then it’s understood that this is wrong and you can move directly to the consequence. If you do use a warning, just give it once. Instead of a process like this: instruction, warning, follow through, some parents have a process that looks like this: instruction, warning, warning, warning, warning, explosion with anger.
Make a clear warning part of your discipline strategy and you will teach children important lessons about life and help them predict their own consequences for their decisions.
September 20, 2010
Ending the Discipline Time Positively
Disciplining children day-to-day often leaves tension in the parent/child relationship. Children feel angry, guilty, or fearful and their parents can be left with lingering frustration. One helpful solution for both parent and child is to have a debriefing after every discipline time. We call it a Positive Conclusion.
During the Positive Conclusion, talk about what went wrong, why it was wrong, and what the child might do differently next time. With younger children you might simply develop a routine, asking them questions in a gentle, non-accusing tone. With teens, a discussion is often helpful covering the same issues.
This kind of Positive Conclusion not only helps clear the air between parent and child but it also helps children think rightly about mistakes as they get older. Instead of self condemnation, a child learns to confess a mistake, determine why it was wrong, and then plan a better response for next time.
Be sure to end the Positive Conclusion with an affirmation like “Okay, go ahead and try again.” It’s the same kind of affirmation that Jesus gave to the woman caught in adultery in John 8 when he said, “Go and sin no more.”
Regular use of a Positive Conclusion in your parenting will reduce the tension as well as teach children a better response for next time.
September 20, 2010
Ending the Discipline Time Positively
Disciplining children day-to-day often leaves tension in the parent/child relationship. Children feel angry, guilty, or fearful and their parents can be left with lingering frustration. One helpful solution for both parent and child is to have a debriefing after every discipline time. We call it a Positive Conclusion.
During the Positive Conclusion, talk about what went wrong, why it was wrong, and what the child might do differently next time. With younger children you might simply develop a routine, asking them questions in a gentle, non-accusing tone. With teens, a discussion is often helpful covering the same issues.
This kind of Positive Conclusion not only helps clear the air between parent and child but it also helps children think rightly about mistakes as they get older. Instead of self condemnation, a child learns to confess a mistake, determine why it was wrong, and then plan a better response for next time.
Be sure to end the Positive Conclusion with an affirmation like “Okay, go ahead and try again.” It’s the same kind of affirmation that Jesus gave to the woman caught in adultery in John 8 when he said, “Go and sin no more.”
Regular use of a Positive Conclusion in your parenting will reduce the tension as well as teach children a better response for next time.
• • • • •
Parenting Tip
May 19, 2009
Sad Instead of Mad
Often parents have a inadequate repertoire of discipline techniques so they do what comes naturally—they use anger as a consequence. Anger becomes the punishment that children learn to fear and the result is distance in relationships. Parents want to express disapproval for misbehavior and anger becomes the vehicle for showing it.
Imagine this scenario: You’re making dinner and your six-year-old daughter, Amy, comes into the room complaining that she’s hungry. You tell her that you’re making dinner and that she needs to wait. She persists and complains that she hasn’t eaten all day. You remind her that she had a snack a few hours ago and then encourage her to leave the room.
Instead of leaving, she begins to whine, “I’m starving.” Finally you sigh and offer her a banana or an apple. “I don’t like bananas! I don’t want an apple!” Okay, you give in. You offer her some milk and a cookie. Amy is so excited she jumps up…and knocks over the milk! You’ve had it! That was the last straw. Now you’re really angry and yell, “What’s the matter with you? Now look what you’ve done!!”
Think a minute. What caused you to lose control? Was it the spilled milk, or was it the fifteen minutes of whining and complaining? If we wait until we become angry to discipline, then we end up responding like a time bomb. Our children can never be sure when we’ll explode.
In this situation, Mom needed to take action earlier. “Amy, it makes me sad that you keep asking after I said ‘No.’ You need to go to your room until I call you for dinner.”
In honor-based parenting, anger and its accompanying distance are not appropriate consequences. Instead, parents learn to reflect sorrow. Some parents may feel like hypocrites because they don’t feel sad, they feel mad. But it doesn’t take long for a parent to recognize that the sorrow is there. It’s just masked by the anger. If you peel away the anger you will genuinely feel sad that your child is acting out or choosing to disobey. You see that their misbehavior will lead to an unhappy and unsuccessful life. Reflecting sadness is much more beneficial to the child and to the relationship.
Try it; you may be surprised. Children often open up in response to sadness and you may end up with a productive conversation. Sadness opens relationships; anger shuts them down. It may take some practice, and self control, but your relationships with your kids will benefit in the end.
This tip comes from the book, Say Goodbye to Whining, Complaining, and Bad Attitudes, In You and Your Kids by Dr Scott Turansky and Joanne Miller, RN, BSN.
• • • • •
Parenting Tip
May 19, 2009
Sad Instead of Mad
Often parents have a inadequate repertoire of discipline techniques so they do what comes naturally—they use anger as a consequence. Anger becomes the punishment that children learn to fear and the result is distance in relationships. Parents want to express disapproval for misbehavior and anger becomes the vehicle for showing it.
Imagine this scenario: You’re making dinner and your six-year-old daughter, Amy, comes into the room complaining that she’s hungry. You tell her that you’re making dinner and that she needs to wait. She persists and complains that she hasn’t eaten all day. You remind her that she had a snack a few hours ago and then encourage her to leave the room.
Instead of leaving, she begins to whine, “I’m starving.” Finally you sigh and offer her a banana or an apple. “I don’t like bananas! I don’t want an apple!” Okay, you give in. You offer her some milk and a cookie. Amy is so excited she jumps up…and knocks over the milk! You’ve had it! That was the last straw. Now you’re really angry and yell, “What’s the matter with you? Now look what you’ve done!!”
Think a minute. What caused you to lose control? Was it the spilled milk, or was it the fifteen minutes of whining and complaining? If we wait until we become angry to discipline, then we end up responding like a time bomb. Our children can never be sure when we’ll explode.
In this situation, Mom needed to take action earlier. “Amy, it makes me sad that you keep asking after I said ‘No.’ You need to go to your room until I call you for dinner.”
In honor-based parenting, anger and its accompanying distance are not appropriate consequences. Instead, parents learn to reflect sorrow. Some parents may feel like hypocrites because they don’t feel sad, they feel mad. But it doesn’t take long for a parent to recognize that the sorrow is there. It’s just masked by the anger. If you peel away the anger you will genuinely feel sad that your child is acting out or choosing to disobey. You see that their misbehavior will lead to an unhappy and unsuccessful life. Reflecting sadness is much more beneficial to the child and to the relationship.
Try it; you may be surprised. Children often open up in response to sadness and you may end up with a productive conversation. Sadness opens relationships; anger shuts them down. It may take some practice, and self control, but your relationships with your kids will benefit in the end.
This tip comes from the book, Say Goodbye to Whining, Complaining, and Bad Attitudes, In You and Your Kids by Dr Scott Turansky and Joanne Miller, RN, BSN.
• • • • •
Parenting Tip
May 11, 2009
It’s the Hard Part of Being a Parent
Don’t let a bad attitude dissuade you from what’s best for your child. As parents, we often want to make our children happy. We want them to feel good and have fun, but sometimes they need to experience the pain of their wrong choices. Allowing them to experience the discomfort of discipline can be a very loving thing to do.
So, when you need to discipline your child, and that child responds poorly, remember that discipline is not intended to be fun. Although you want to look for creative ways to teach and make learning a joy, sometimes a child needs to experience a negative consequence to learn a lesson. Expect some resistance, but persevere because you know that what you’re doing is best for your child. The discipline is a valuable part of your child’s growth. There’ll be other times to make your child happy.
When your children are having a hard time accepting correction, remember that their immediate response is not an indication of the effectiveness of the discipline. You are disciplining for long-term benefit. This truth can help you persevere. It can be quite freeing when parents recognize that discipline is unpleasant and that children often won’t respond with gratefulness. Sometimes parenting isn’t pleasant but discipline is a necessary part of the job.
Remember that Hebrews 12:11 says, “No discipline seems pleasant at the time, but painful. Later on, however, it produces a harvest of righteousness and peace for those who have been trained by it.”
This parenting tip comes from the book, Home Improvement, The Parenting Book You Can Read to Your Kids Dr. Scott Turansky and Joanne Miller, RN, BSN.
• • • • •
Parenting Tip
May 11, 2009
It’s the Hard Part of Being a Parent
Don’t let a bad attitude dissuade you from what’s best for your child. As parents, we often want to make our children happy. We want them to feel good and have fun, but sometimes they need to experience the pain of their wrong choices. Allowing them to experience the discomfort of discipline can be a very loving thing to do.
So, when you need to discipline your child, and that child responds poorly, remember that discipline is not intended to be fun. Although you want to look for creative ways to teach and make learning a joy, sometimes a child needs to experience a negative consequence to learn a lesson. Expect some resistance, but persevere because you know that what you’re doing is best for your child. The discipline is a valuable part of your child’s growth. There’ll be other times to make your child happy.
When your children are having a hard time accepting correction, remember that their immediate response is not an indication of the effectiveness of the discipline. You are disciplining for long-term benefit. This truth can help you persevere. It can be quite freeing when parents recognize that discipline is unpleasant and that children often won’t respond with gratefulness. Sometimes parenting isn’t pleasant but discipline is a necessary part of the job.
Remember that Hebrews 12:11 says, “No discipline seems pleasant at the time, but painful. Later on, however, it produces a harvest of righteousness and peace for those who have been trained by it.”
This parenting tip comes from the book, Home Improvement, The Parenting Book You Can Read to Your Kids Dr. Scott Turansky and Joanne Miller, RN, BSN.
