Help Children Change Their Hearts
Too often parents focus only on behavior, getting the right actions down, but they don’t address the heart. Jesus criticized the Pharisees, saying that they looked good on the outside but their hearts were still not changed. He said, “First clean the inside of the cup and dish, and then the outside also will be clean.”
Focusing on behavior change is not enough. Many parents work hard to help their children look good on the outside. Inadvertently, these parents teach their children “image management” the ability to appear good, clean, and nice. A change of heart is what children really need though.
Unfortunately, you can’t force children to change their hearts. But we can do a lot to motivate them to make the necessary changes. We’ve identified several tools that, when used properly, address the heart. First, use sorrow instead of anger in the discipline process. Parents who misuse this technique often lay a guilt trip on their children. The key is to be genuine. If you, as a parent, look past your anger for a moment you will see that you truly are sad about what your child has done because you know the long-term consequences of such behavior. Reflect it in a gentle way. It’s amazing to see how children will respond.
Another way to influence a child’s heart is to use the scriptures. The Bible has an amazing quality, the ability to pierce through to the thoughts and intentions of the heart. Don’t use the Bible in a harsh way. Instead reveal what the Bible has to say about being kind or respectful or obedient. There’s a lot of wisdom and conviction that comes through the scriptures.
Be sure to talk about the heart during times of correction. “I can see you’re angry because I said no, I’d like you to take a break for a bit and settle your heart down and when you’re ready, come back and we’ll talk about it.” It will take work and a child may need some long times to settle down at first, but a change of heart is worth it in the end. Resolve the tension by having a Positive Conclusion together. Talk about what went wrong and why it was wrong. Address heart issues, not just behavior and help children see things from a deeper perspective.
You may think of some other ideas but whatever you do, don’t rely on simple behavior modification techniques. They don’t go deep enough and often don’t address the real issues.
Help Children Change Their Hearts
Too often parents focus only on behavior, getting the right actions down, but they don’t address the heart. Jesus criticized the Pharisees, saying that they looked good on the outside but their hearts were still not changed. He said, “First clean the inside of the cup and dish, and then the outside also will be clean.”
Focusing on behavior change is not enough. Many parents work hard to help their children look good on the outside. Inadvertently, these parents teach their children “image management” the ability to appear good, clean, and nice. A change of heart is what children really need though.
Unfortunately, you can’t force children to change their hearts. But we can do a lot to motivate them to make the necessary changes. We’ve identified several tools that, when used properly, address the heart. First, use sorrow instead of anger in the discipline process. Parents who misuse this technique often lay a guilt trip on their children. The key is to be genuine. If you, as a parent, look past your anger for a moment you will see that you truly are sad about what your child has done because you know the long-term consequences of such behavior. Reflect it in a gentle way. It’s amazing to see how children will respond.
Another way to influence a child’s heart is to use the scriptures. The Bible has an amazing quality, the ability to pierce through to the thoughts and intentions of the heart. Don’t use the Bible in a harsh way. Instead reveal what the Bible has to say about being kind or respectful or obedient. There’s a lot of wisdom and conviction that comes through the scriptures.
Be sure to talk about the heart during times of correction. “I can see you’re angry because I said no, I’d like you to take a break for a bit and settle your heart down and when you’re ready, come back and we’ll talk about it.” It will take work and a child may need some long times to settle down at first, but a change of heart is worth it in the end. Resolve the tension by having a Positive Conclusion together. Talk about what went wrong and why it was wrong. Address heart issues, not just behavior and help children see things from a deeper perspective.
You may think of some other ideas but whatever you do, don’t rely on simple behavior modification techniques. They don’t go deep enough and often don’t address the real issues.
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Parenting Tip
January 28, 2009
Stay Out Of the Boxing Ring
When children are unhappy they look for ways to draw their parents into a fight. Kids know just where your buttons are and how to push them to make you angry. “Dad wouldn’t do it that way,” or “You never let me have fun,” might be all that’s needed to create the volcano effect. When children get angry and are looking for a fight, it’s as if they step into the boxing ring and invite you to join them.
All too often parents, believing that they are stronger, smarter, and more powerful, are willing to put on the gloves and enter the ring to “teach this kid a lesson” or “put him in his place.” The key indicator that says you want to accept the invitation to fight is your harshness. The intensity increases as each party is determined to win the battle. Unfortunately, setting ourselves up as opponents does more damage to the relationship than we expect.
Instead of getting into the ring with your children, imagine going around the ring to the child’s corner and becoming a coach. You might say, “I’m not going to discuss this with you while you’re upset. First, you need to settle down and then we’ll talk about the problem.” Or, “The way you’re talking to me sounds like you’re trying to provoke me into an argument. I’m not going to fight with you.”
Coaching children out of the boxing ring means that we stop dealing with the issue at hand and instead discuss the way we’re relating. Moving our focus from the issue to the process has a dramatic effect on the relationship when things begin to get tense. The parent refuses to become a sparring partner and instead looks for ways to improve the relationship. This doesn’t mean that the child will instantly become responsive, but it does mean that the parent chooses a different posture, one that offers healing instead of antagonism, and closeness instead of distance.
This parenting tip is from the book Good and Angry, Exchanging Frustration for Character in You and Your Kids by Dr. Scott Turansky and Joanne Miller, RN, BSN.
• • • • •
Parenting Tip
January 28, 2009
Stay Out Of the Boxing Ring
When children are unhappy they look for ways to draw their parents into a fight. Kids know just where your buttons are and how to push them to make you angry. “Dad wouldn’t do it that way,” or “You never let me have fun,” might be all that’s needed to create the volcano effect. When children get angry and are looking for a fight, it’s as if they step into the boxing ring and invite you to join them.
All too often parents, believing that they are stronger, smarter, and more powerful, are willing to put on the gloves and enter the ring to “teach this kid a lesson” or “put him in his place.” The key indicator that says you want to accept the invitation to fight is your harshness. The intensity increases as each party is determined to win the battle. Unfortunately, setting ourselves up as opponents does more damage to the relationship than we expect.
Instead of getting into the ring with your children, imagine going around the ring to the child’s corner and becoming a coach. You might say, “I’m not going to discuss this with you while you’re upset. First, you need to settle down and then we’ll talk about the problem.” Or, “The way you’re talking to me sounds like you’re trying to provoke me into an argument. I’m not going to fight with you.”
Coaching children out of the boxing ring means that we stop dealing with the issue at hand and instead discuss the way we’re relating. Moving our focus from the issue to the process has a dramatic effect on the relationship when things begin to get tense. The parent refuses to become a sparring partner and instead looks for ways to improve the relationship. This doesn’t mean that the child will instantly become responsive, but it does mean that the parent chooses a different posture, one that offers healing instead of antagonism, and closeness instead of distance.
This parenting tip is from the book Good and Angry, Exchanging Frustration for Character in You and Your Kids by Dr. Scott Turansky and Joanne Miller, RN, BSN.
